Jonny's Enemies List

1. Glenn T. “Piece of Shit” Simon. The latest leader board for Jonny’s Enemies List is scheduled to come out this morning and Simon is beside himself because he expects to pass God in the tally. Since “Piece of Shit” is going to Seattle for his class reunion this weekend and I pity him because his life turned out the way it did, I’m giving him a mercy listing today so that he’ll have bragging rights to at least say that he is more annoying than Jehovah. It may not seem like much to you, but I’m hoping it will be the difference that keeps him from jumping out of a tenth story window from the Mt. Rainier Holiday Inn after spending an evening with a bunch of attorneys and vascular surgeons who tipped their parking valet more than Simon’s annual income. Hang in there Glenn, and remember that you’re only a failure if YOU think that you are. [click to continue…]

1. Academy Award winner Ernest Borgnine, who was recently named the winner of the Screen Actor’s Guild Lifetime Achievement Award. Last year’s winner was Betty White and I found her to be so hot (even at the age of 88) that I vowed to make every future winner of the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award my fantasy girlfriend for the day. I obviously didn’t think ahead, so rather than reneg on my promise I’ll be drinking a lot of vodka leading up to the days of Mr. Borgnine’s award and I’ll be studying a photograph of him when he played a tough army general in The Dirty Dozen. I have a fetish for uniforms, so I might just be able to get through this thing. [click to continue…]

The alternate universe Fargo

1. The evil genius Sir Lars Fargo, who hosted a belated birthday do for his main squeeze Mimi Goldman last night. I hadn’t seen Fargo in a while, so I shocked to find him now sporting a goatee that made him look suspiciously like the “evil” mirror universe Mr. Spock from the Star Trek episode Mirror, Mirror. I approached the doppelganger Fargo cautiously but optimistically, hoping that if he was the polar opposite of the Fargo from our universe that this bearded version would be benevolent, peace-loving and unhesitant about parting with a buck. But I was disappointed to discover that the alternate-universe Fargo was just as objectionable as the one from our dimension. The only thing he had going for him was that he looked damned good in a beard.  [click to continue…]

Dan E. Campbell, the incoming Sir Joseph Porter

1. My arch-enemy Dan E. Campbell, who takes over the role of the head of the United Federation of Planets in U.S.S. Pinafore tonight. I supervised a rehearsal with Campbell and the rest of the cast on Wednesday, and I must say that I think the world will seem like a much better place when Dan is onstage. Mainly because that’s two hours when we can pretend that the heinous man in front of us is Sir Joseph Porter of Star Fleet instead of the vile figure of Dan E. Campbell, and I know that (for me, at least) any time that I can pretend there’s no Dan E. Campbell in the world is time well spent. Dan’s going to be stunning in the show though, and I guarantee that the audience is looking forward to his taking a bow at the curtain call – especially as there’s an ample supply of rotting fruit and vegetables in the dumpster near the theatre. To purchase tickets to show Campbell what you really think of him, click here. [click to continue…]

Me helping Kiki shop

1. Kiki Wistone, with whom I attended a jazz concert last night performed by a band which included her trombonist nephew. After the concert was over, Ms. Wistone dragged me into a nearby makeup store that she might purchase the lotions and unctions that transform her from a mere hot chick into a goddess of erotic delight. While I was trapped in this female pit of the damned, Ms. Wistone thought it would be “cute” to try and embarrass me by threatening to use me as a test model for the various war paints she was sifting through. She soon discovered that Jonny is unflappable, and try as she might she was unable to set off my embarrassment meter to anything above a .000001 on the scale. Not only that, but after I was tarted up I was approached by a few guys in an alley with the offer of making an easy couple of bucks. [click to continue…]

Mr. and Mrs. Hoffman

1. Nick Hoffman, who married Enemies List favorite Cady Haas in Las Vegas on August 8th. I have written in the past that it is a violation of the Jonny Credo to have amorous thoughts about married women, so I am now in something of a quandary because Ms. Haas is a regular player in my Masturbation Rotation (sorry for the graphic language, but Jonny doesn’t mince words). It’s not a “Bros Before Hoes” equation because I have met Mr. Hoffman on numerous occasions and far from considering him a “bro”, he always struck me as closer to the scum of the earth (although I hasten to add that I feel the same way about BroJoe, who actually is a “bro”). Here’s the conundrum: Say I am acting out in my head one of my favorite scenarios where I am the poor stable boy who the spoiled heiress (portrayed in my mind’s eye by Mrs. Hoffman) is sadistically dressing down for not properly shoeing her favorite steed (or some other stable infraction; details like that are always murky in these scenes). Just as I am about to throw her on the straw-covered floor to put her in her place, her husband will now make an unscripted appearance standing in the corner of the horse stall and silently glare at me. While some dudes are into that kind of voyeuristic action, Jonny likes his privacy in his erotic scenarios and the appearance of another dude kills the mood. So as painful as it may be to the former Miss Haas, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to stop indulging in erotic thoughts about her; at least for as long as she remains married to Mr. Hoffman. And if that’s not an incentive to keep a Holy Union together, I can’t imagine what is. [click to continue…]

Jonny's Choice

1. Dan E. Campbell. I wrote last week that this past weekend would be Jesse Merlin and Ron Schneider’s final shows with U.S.S. Pinafore. They will both be missed, but life goes on and I’m delighted to announce that Mr. Merlin’s tight Federation-issue trousers will be filled by the brilliant actor Vsev Krawczeniuk with whom I appeared in A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Taming of the Shrew many years ago and who will do a dazzling job with the part. I am far more conflicted about the choice of the actor who is taking over Mr. Schneider’s role, a performer no less talented than Mr. Krawczeniuk, but one who is such a grotesque plague on humanity that it is generally considered unthinkable to so much as mention his name in polite society. As shocking and indeed unnatural as it sounds, I am referring to my arch-enemy Campbell, who will take over the role of Sir Joseph Porter on Friday. For as dastardly a fiend as Campbell is, he is also a magnificent actor and one of the few who could conceivably follow Mr. Schneider in the role. So when it was suggested to me that Campbell join the cast, I prayed on it and asked my various spiritual advisors, all of whom strongly urged me not to unleash Campbell’s vile stench on the world. But in the end, the show’s the thing; so I choked back the bile that rose to my throat and offered Campbell the part, which he greedily leapt on like a herd of savage, farel wombats savagely feeding on the snout of a dead wildebeest. Was I wrong to sell my soul in this manner for the sake of U.S.S. Pinafore? God only knows, but if you’d like to be a witness to it you can buy your tickets here. [click to continue…]

Captain Corcoran and Sir Joseph Porter

1. Jesse Merlin and Ron Schneider, who have been playing the captain of the U.S.S. Pinafore and the head of the United Federation of Planets since U.S.S. Pinafore opened in May, and will be leaving the show after this weekend to collapse in exhaustion and then to start work on other projects. Both Ron and Jesse have been a dream to work with and put up with the indecisive antics and inarguably non-traditional ideas of their director (I can still recall the stunned looks of some of the good folks in the rehearsal room when I first announced that one of the numbers I would be adding to the show was Star Trekkin’) with miraculous good grace and followed through with a smash hit that still packs in audiences after three months. The show will continue its five year mission next week as new, wonderfully talented actors step into Ron and Jesse’s big shoes and will take the Pinafore to galaxies where no man has gone before. But if you haven’t seen the show yet and would still like to catch it with its original stars, this is your last weekend to do so. I shall always be grateful to them both that they did the show, although my feelings towards Jesse are tempered by the fact that he introduced me to the Italian gross-out move Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom, memories of which still cause me to wake up screaming. Thanks for everything, Ron. And Jesse, thanks for almost everything. [click to continue…]

Does this look like a committed family to you? It does to me.

1. Marriage. There was a lot of whoop-de-doo yesterday because the California Supreme Court struck down the Proposition 8 ban on gay marriage as unconstitutional. I can’t believe anybody was really surprised at this decision as I’ve read the U.S. constitution and I was unable to find anything in it that suggested the Founding Fathers thought it would be a good idea to make something illegal simply because it “bugged” the majority of voters at the time it was voted on. But even with that admission, I can’t say that I’m altogether in favor of gay marriage. But before you get your panties in a wad, understand that I’m not all that crazy about the idea of heterosexual marriage either – at least as we currently practice it. I think it’s a pretty antiquated idea that two people hook up for life – I’m not saying it’s impossible (I’m not even saying it’s not something I’d personally like to do); I just think it’s unlikely. What really bonds a couple for life is if they have children together; even if a couple gets divorced, they’re be Mommy and Daddy (or Mommy and Mommy or Daddy and Daddy) until the Grim Reaper finally comes ‘a calling. So my suggestion is that no one – gay or straight – should have a lifetime contract until children are thrown into the mix. I’m not saying they can’t live together or merge financial assets or stop having sex or do any of the other things that most of them will regret having done in five or ten years when they can’t stand each other any more (in case you haven’t noticed, Jonny’s little heart is held together with bailing wire). But to be called married they’ve got to be so committed that they bring up a baby or two. But don’t go storming my front door with crosses because I’m aligning myself with the Prop 8 goofballs, because I would throw anyone who adopts a kid into that classification as well, and I have known some lovely gay couples who brought up some very sweet children – couples who I consider them to be more “married” than any man and woman who woke up in a Vegas hotel room with a hangover and a ring on their finger who could only vaguely recall who the person lying next to them was. After six months or five or ten years (in the unlikely event that it lasts that long) of wedded bliss, they aren’t likely to know them any better. [click to continue…]