The One and Only Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan feels that these babies using her first name in a commercial is worth a hundred million dollar payday.

1. Lindsay Lohan, who is suing E-Trade for a hundred million dollars because of a commercial depicting two babies hawking the online trading company that refer to an offscreen infant as “milkaholic Lindsay”. I have seen the commercial-in-question a few times and thought it was kind of cute, but the idea that they were referring to Lohan never entered my mind until she filed the lawsuit which claimed that she was one of those celebrities who was so famous for the one name (like Madonna) that the commercial could only be referring to her. It’s funny, but while I can think of only one Madonna, I can think of a number of famous Lindsays (actress Lindsay Wagner, Australian author Joan Lindsay, rocker Lindsey Buckingham, Senator Lindsey Graham, Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn, former New York Mayor John Lindsey) so I’m not sure why Lohan feels like she owns the copyright on the name, or how an online trading company making a reference to said name in a commercial makes her due a hundred million dollars in damages (I can’t recall ever having heard her referred to as simply “Lindsay” in any professional context). It brings to mind the time that director Spike Lee tried to sue Spike TV for using his name, and his fellow director Spike Jonze had to point out that there was more than one Spike that was capable of being nailed into the ground. All I know is that I’m keeping a close eye of how this case develops, and if Lohan wins I’m coming down hard on Johnny Depp, Johnny Bench and the estate of the late Johnny Cash.

My drinking buddy Doug Rynerson

2. Doug Rynerson, who was my Facebook-assigned Best Friend for the Day (BFD) yesterday. Doug is a terrific actor with whom I have appeared in several theatre productions, perhaps most memorably when he supported me as Public Enemy #1 when I starred in my adaptation of A Servant of Two Masters set in Prohibition-era Chicago. The ban on alcohol did not extend beyond the fictional world of the play, and we were known to enjoy a drop of fermented grape in those halcyon days. This included a Christmas music concert featuring Doug’s son Alexander, which I determined that I couldn’t survive without sneaking in an airline-sized bottle of booze to see me through it. I nursed on my alcoholic mini-crutch as surrepticiously as possible, but Doug caught a glimpse of my hair of the dog and his only response was to sadly murmur “I wish I’d thought of that.” I have since cut back on my alcohol intake severely (I have had only two glasses of wine this year), but I have to admit that if I am confronted by another high school orchestra performing an instrumental of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, I may have to reconsider.

Bro Joe describing his trip.

3. Bro Joe, who returned from Puerto Vallarta and with whom I had dinner last night so that he could yammer on about what an unforgettable trip it was. I am going to spare the sordid details with you people because my research indicates that 87% of you are even more miserable than I am and the last thing you need to hear is how some lucky bastard got paid to take a dream vacation. I am therefore issuing Jonny Decree # 298 that if you go on a trip, no matter how wonderful it was, I am commanding that at least seven of the anecdotes you share are tales designed to make me happy that I wasn’t with you. If that means you have to make some up, that’s not my problem. If there are web sites that cater to amputee fetishists (and as sad as it makes me to report, there are web sites that cater to amputee fetishists), I am sure that you can google “bad vacation stories” and come up with something. It will make you appreciate your trip all the more, and your friends won’t wind up hating you more than they already do.

Wade Sheeler

4. Wade Sheeler, who posted as his Facebook status “Wade Sheeler wants you to please copy & paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face, but we can raise awareness.” The fact of the matter is that I am acquainted with so many perverted fetishists that I probably know more people who want a punch in the face than need a punch in the face (I’m looking at you, Consuelo Brennan). For my own part, I only remember punching someone in the face once in my life: a kid was taunting me in the junior high school library when I suddenly hauled back and slugged him in the jaw like I was Dirty Harry. He started crying, and while he never taunted me again, I think that I was even more shaken up by the event than he was and I still feel kind of bad about it. So as a one-time face puncher, I want to advise all of you that there are life-long repercussions to this heinous act of assault that you never think about before the deed is done. Enter into it with caution.

The glamorous and sexy Di Burbano looking like anything but an insane 16 year old.

5. Diana Burbano, an actress who posted “I hate having to dress myself for industrials… how the heck am I supposed to know how real people dress? I still dress like an insane 16YO.” As someone who has worked in an office environment for many years, I can say with assurance that the attire people wear in them range from Runway Model to Homeless Person. There is one woman I work with who is such a snappy dresser that I make a point of stopping by her cube every day to see what she is wearing. Personally, I sport only two looks for the office: Cat Burgler (black sweater, black pants and black leather jacket) and Writer for the Daily Worker (black sweater, black pants, long black overcoat). So there is no right or wrong way to dress to look like an office person. I have even seen a fair number who dress as insane 16 year olds, so no matter which direction you go, you’ve got it right.