The Razzie Awards

Sandra Bullock collecting her Razzie.

1. Sandra Bullock, who won a major film award this weekend. I am, of course, referring to the Golden Raspberry Award she received as Worst Actress for her irritating characterization in All About Steve. The Razzies are handed out at a big do in a Hollywood theatre every year in front of a packed, smirking audience – inevitably to a list of no-shows who have no interest in having their work being publicly mocked. Bullock was a rarity in the Razzie annals when she came to accept her award (Halle Berry and, to a far lesser degree, Tom Green are the only famous names to appear at the event to collect the plastic, spray-painted trophy in the past), receiving a standing ovation from the audience, of which I was a member. Sandra arrived with a wagon-full of DVDs of All About Steve to distribute to the Razzie membership because she was convinced that no one who voted had actually seen the film and once they did, she would be asked to come back next year to return it. I am a Razzie voter who actually saw All About Steve before voting for her performance and can say with confidence that she should hold on to the trophy. But to be fair it was a light year for laughably bad films (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was named Worst Picture) and while I thought Sandra was the best choice for the category this year, she wasn’t on the level of Madonna in Swept Away or Mariah Carey in Glitter (two truly appalling Razzie-winning performances) and was only moderately less irritating than she was in The Blind Side for which she inexplicably won the Academy Award the following night. This made her the first performer to be named as both the best and the worst in the same year, although for different films (James Coco and Amy Irving received Oscar and Razzie nominations for the same performance, although they didn’t wind up actually winning any of the awards). To be fair, Sandra is a better actress than Beyoncé Knowles and Megan Fox (both of whom she beat out for the Razzie), but she’s not remotely in the same class as Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren (who were also nominated for the Oscar), so everything evens out in the end. I do want to thank her for the DVD of All About Steve though – it was a gracious move on her part, and it will make a great coaster.

Sandra with her wagon of DVDs,
which were passed out to the audience at the end of the evening.

J.D. Shapiro in the middle of his
hilarious Razzie acceptance speech.

2. J.D. Shapiro, one of the screenwriters for the film fiasco Battlefield Earth which was named Worst Film of the Decade at the Razzie ceremony. Shapiro, who also co-wrote the far more creditable Robin Hood: Men in Tights, appeared at the ceremony to accept the award and gave the most hilarious speech of the night, quoting the film’s worst reviews (and they were really bad) and venting his disgust at the producers who mangled his script. It should have been a moment that Razzie fans would remember for decades, but it was overshadowed by Bullock’s appearance to the point where it was regarded as a vaguely-recalled afterthought by the audience at the end of the evening. It reminded me of when Halle Berry showed up at the Razzies to collect her Worst Actress award for Catwoman (and gave a funny and endearing speech parodying her embarrassing Oscar acceptance), obliterating the memory of Michael Ferris, one of the writers of the film who also showed up to collect his award. I was later reminiscing about that evening with my friend Kelie McIver (who is a member of the Razzie cast every year), and she had forgotten that Ferris came (and gave a very amusing speech) the same night as Berry. It’s all about star power in Hollywood.

Dan E. Campbell as Julia Child.

3. Dan E. Campbell, who was a presenter at Saturday’s Razzie ceremony, handing out one award in the guise of Julia Child. I have seen Campbell perform on several occasions, and when I do he is invariably wearing a dress. It’s not a look that altogether works for Dan – he doesn’t really have the legs for it, and that gelatinous mountain of cellulite that he calls an ass isn’t flattered by feminine garb. But it does allow him to cover his hair-challenged dome with a wig, which is a welcome distraction from the pock-marked collection of orifices that serves as his face. Dan is a talented singer and actor though, and it’s always a pleasure to see him strut his stuff at the annual Razzie ceremony. The fact that the stuff seems to be getting wider every year and that it is always swathed in faux-Christian Dior is an image that I’ll be sharing with therapists for decades to come.

With Crispy Bacon
after the Razzie Awards.

4. “Crispy” Bacon, who I saw following the Razzies ceremony. Crispy was doing some kind of backstage job the nature of which I was unclear about (I think he was Dan E. Campbell’s fluffer), and as soon as he saw me, he ran up to me to inform me that his diabetes was much better. I had assumed that this was joyous news, but Crispy seemed disappointed because it meant that he would no longer have a reason to see the smokin’ hot emergency room nurses who he lives to be groped and prodded by. But without the glamorous lure of diabetes, he is just another slightly deformed gnomelike elderly man to them, so Crispy is thinking of going on a strict diet of Skittles and Dr. Pepper until he can get his diabetes back to the point where he will be attractive to them again.

Me pictured with a couple of hot chicks, naturally.

5. Kelie McIver and Katsy Chappell, who were both performers at the Razzie ceremony and looked damned good doing it. I don’t really have a funny story about either of them or a legitimate reason to include them on today’s list, but I like this picture so I’m listing them today just so I can post it to illustrate what a chick magnate I am. It just goes to show that smokin’ hot women really do get the most attention, and anyone who has a problem with that is welcome to stare at a picture of Dan E. Campbell in a dress until they feel better.