Renoir Can Burn in Hell

A self portrait that Renoir painted when he was crippled with arthritis. Some people will do ANYTHING to try and show me up.

1. I went to an exhibition of the later works of Pierre-Auguste Renoir on Saturday which included some brief silent footage of him painting at the end of his life. By that point, his hands were so gnarled by arthritis that the brush literally had to be tied to his wrist so that he could use it, yet he continued to paint some extraordinary canvasses with the affliction. I can’t even begin to tell you how annoyed that made me, since I will use even the most trivial or imagined malady as an excuse to worm my way out of tasks as variant as taking the garbage out (which has been piling up since November) to paying my 1997 taxes. Later on when I listened to the audio presentation that went with the exhibition and heard that when Renoir was asked about the agonizing pain he painted in, he responded, “pain is temporary but beauty is forever.” As far as I’m concerned, the only thing that is forever is my anger at some old fossil trying to make me feel guilty about stalling on yet another project that will finally give me my due as the greatest genius of the 21st century because my foot itches too much to get started. I’ve had it with you making me look bad, Renoir. If you were still alive, I’d duct tape some boxing gloves on you and we’d duke it out in the ring like men.

Me with MECONN mainstay Kelie McIver

2. Kelie McIver who serves on the board of an outfit called The Midwest Entertainment Connection (MECONN), a networking organization that hooks up people in the entertainment industry in Los Angeles who have ties to the Midwest. I went to their spring kickoff meeting in a baldfaced attempt to suck up to Ms. McIver, expecting to be offered some hard apple cider and play a game of checkers or two before the meeting broke up because it was just too dad-gummed late and everyone had to get up before sunup to shuck the wheat. Instead, I found a bunch of vigorous go-getters who were brimming with ideas and energy on how to further their careers, and they actually expected me to throw in a few of my own because I was at the meeting. I wanted to jump out of my seat and explain to these rubes that I don’t attend meetings like this to further my career; I attend meetings like this so that I can feel like I am furthering my career even though all I am really doing is sitting on my ass and eating half of the hotel buffet that they had laid out for everyone. Giving me a bunch of ideas that I can actually use requires energy on my part, while all I’m interested in doing is looking at Internet porn and complaining that it’s impossible to get anywhere in this town without connections in high places.

Dan E. Campbell, a VERY single man.

3. Dan E. Campbell, for posting his Facebook relationship status as “Single”. This resulted in a truckload of compassionate responses when it showed up on his newsfeed, as everyone assumed that it meant that Dan had shacked up with some wino he met on the docks for a weekend but that the homeless drunk took off when he sobered up on Monday and got a look at what Dan actually looked like. But Dan straightened out the confusion, saying that he had merely posted his romantic status as a whim and and not as the result of a shift in his love life – he is just as desperately alone and pathetic as ever. But then again, as soon as he posted his “new” relationship status, there were people coming out of the wood work to try and comfort him. If it had been anyone except Campbell (who usually displays the sentient thought of a bottle of Listerine), I might have suspected that announcing his single status to the world was a clever means of wringing a Mercy Fuck or two out of some compassionate souls out in cyberspace. But since “clever” and “Dan E. Campbell” are mutually contradictory terms, I think that what actually happened was that he was just randomly pushing the shiny buttons on his computer and changed his status by mere chance. But fortune favors the foolish, and perhaps if he keeps poking at his keyboard, he just might accidentally put up something that will fool someone into dating him. It seems unlikely, but I don’t see any other way that it’s going to happen.

Don Timm

4. I’d like to end today’s list as a tribute to Don Timm, who passed away on February 4th. Don was my friend Reese Timm’s father, and Reese was holding his hand when Don’s life finally slipped away. I’m going to a memorial service for Don today, and while I’m very sad about his passing, I can’t help but have a warm feeling at the recollection of his wonderful spirit, offbeat sense of humor and devotion to his family. Don was a good guy who will be missed by everyone who was lucky enough to know him. He doesn’t really belong on this list because he didn’t have an enemy in the world – least of all me – but I’m thinking about him right now and was hoping that you might think of him for a moment, too. He was a man who left behind a legacy of love and devotion, and that’s what I called a life well-lived. I’m glad I knew him.