“Crispy” Bacon in 3-D.
1. ”Crispy” Bacon, who reminisced about going to a 3-D double feature of Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein and Andy Warhol’s Dracula and recalling “the special ‘STARE-E-O’ 3-D glasses you had to put on to see Frankenstein. The 3-D made it even more stupid.” And because it’s not possible for me to stuff a sock down someone’s mouth to over the Internet keep them from talking, he continued to blather “I still have my original ODORAMA® card from Polyester. I used to keep as a kid in my William Castle collection–the ZOTZ coin, ‘Percepto’ and my Dr. Sardonicus Punishment Poll Card that glowed in the dark….” I have no idea who Dr. Sardonicus is (for all I know, he’s the physician that treats Crispy for his diabetes, although the fact that the doctor has Punishment Poll Cards is a bit on the kinky side), but Crispy’s rants did cause me to ponder that if Hollywood (or at least the hardcore porn capitol of Van Nuys) were to make a film of his life, which would be more objectionable: to see it in the audience-grabbing gimmick of Smell-o-Vision (complete with scratch-n-sniff card) or 3-D? Crispy’s dicey personal hygiene make Smell-o-Vision seem the most horrifying option at first glance, but let’s not cast aside the terrifying possibility of seeing the Diabetic Dandy in 3-D just yet. Imagine Crispy’s empty noggin filling a thirty-foot screen in a high definition close-up; now that you’re finished vomiting, tack on the additional gruesome component of seeing his blank stare in three dimensional detail. Whatever contrivance the filmmakers wind up using to bring Crispy’s horrifying story to the screen, I’ll be sleeping with the lights on after seeing it.
Judy Rich's beloved puppy Fluffy.
2. My old friend Judy Rich, who celebrates a birthday today. I haven’t seen Judy in a while, but I’ve been keeping track of all her news on Facebook. Most of her reports are about her many dogs; stories, photos and posts about her pooches are what she shares with her adoring public – even her profile picture is always one of those beloved mutts. It’s almost as if Judy disappeared and the dogs were trying to cover it by hijacking her Facebook page, and the only way they knew how to do it was to gradually wipe away Judy’s personality and replace it with their own. But that would be plain silly. Happy birthday, Judy. I’ll be Fed Exing you that box of raw t-bone steaks, just like you messaged me to. Funny, I always thought you were a vegetarian, but it’s your birthday and you can have whatever your heart desires.
Katsy Chappel supporting my starring performance in “A Servant of Two Masters”.
3. Katsy Chappel, who also celebrates a birthday today. Katsy created the role of the sultry saloon singer Rose D’Ambrose, the love interest of the character I played in my award-winning adaptation of A Servant of Two Masters. Like all the actresses who play opposite me, Katsy inevitably fell in love with me but hid her true feelings by pretending to hold me in utter contempt. It’s a common emotional crutch used by my female costars who know that I’m too much man for any one woman to possess and mask their affection with feigned repulsion to avoid the soul crushing rejection that is their greatest fear. It was a ploy first used on me by Diana Martindale in my kindergarten staging of Cinderella (in which I gave a riveting performance as the Paper Shoemaker, stunning the audience by the sheer force of my personality despite having only one line which I had to be prompted before saying it) and continuing up to the present with the likes of Amy Ball and Stephanie Fredricks. Katsy fell for me harder than most, being so insecure about her desire for me that she tried to hide her love by having a restraining order issued against me and hiring a local thug to beat me up if I didn’t keep away from her. But I saw through those ruses and recognized her true emotions even if she continues to deny them to herself. Happy birthday, Katsy; I’d give you a hug if I was legally permitted to come closer than 1500 feet to you.
Ja'Son Fogelson supports my starring performance in the Ids' classic “Equus” sketch.
4. Ja’Son Fogelson, who was my Facebook-assigned Best Friend for the Day (BFD) yesterday. Fogelson made a proper show of respect to the Facebook Oracle for selecting him for the honor, writing “Thank you for this honor, oh Facebook Oracle. It would be easy to be crass or ungrateful at a time like this, but I choose instead to thank my lucky stars that Jon’E and I have been friends for over 25 years, and that we have not killed each other in that time.” It wasn’t for want of trying on my part. I tried to murder Fogelson on several occasions, most memorably when we were featured in the improvisational group The Ids in the early 1980s. We were performing our classic Equus sketch in which I played the psychiatrist and Fogelson was the main horse, and I replaced the rubber prop knife that he was to be blinded by with a razor sharp Ginsu Knife. To my disappointment, just before the scene was to be enacted one of our fellow Ids who will remain nameless (but it was Wade Sheeler for anyone who’s interested) fell into an alcoholic withdrawal and grabbed the Ginsu to cut open a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The quick-thinking actor playing the troubled youth in the skit compensated for the lack of a knife to blind the horse with by robbing its sight through hypnosis, which confused the audience but permitted Fogelson to survive the performance. You won that battle, Ja’Son, but the war continues.
“Biff” Wellington
5. My annoying coworker “Biff” Wellington, who told me that he had his “hair done” on Friday. I tried to explain to Wellington that women had their hair done; men had their hair cut, but my manly rules fell on deaf ears. No sooner were the words out of my alpha male mouth when Wellington accused me of being a sexist and proceeded to describe in detail the elaborate procedure of trimming, coloring, rinsing and shampooing that he undergoes which requires him to spend two hours in the stylist’s chair while I’m in and out of Supercuts in ten minutes. But (as Wellington isn’t shy to point out) I do have a bit more gray in my hair than I once did, and maybe it’s time to step it up a bit. But I’m confused about the whole aging thing. I hear that 40 is the new 30, but I’m 48 and I’m being constantly harassed about what an old fart I am. So they tell me that I have to look as young as I possibly can, even though when I actually was young I was a physical wreck and think I look far better now even though I’m supposed to be taking expensive steps to make myself look more like I did then even though I like myself a whole lot more now. Something does not compute, Will Robinson. It’s enough to make my hair turn gray.
