A Prayer for My Daughter

Gary Lamb in “A Prayer for My Daughter”

1. My dark master Gary Lamb, who continued to exercise his mind lock over me by commanding me to house manage last night’s performance of the gritty drama A Prayer for My Daughter which is playing at the theatre he operates. So great is my dislike of house managing that I initially resisted his black spell, until he sweetened the pot by informing me that there would be nudity in the show – not just nudity, in fact; but my favorite kind of nudity (full frontal). I thought of the smokin’ hot chicks that have performed at the theatre in the past – Stephanie Fredricks, Amy Ball, Carol Potter, Comrade Tarta Smith – so I licked my lips salaciously and agreed to the task. When I arrived and saw the program, I was even more excited: there were only men listed in the cast. That meant that whatever sex acts were required of the young, nubile actress playing the daughter of the title were so demeaning that she refused to be credited. It was shaping up to be my kind of night. But as the play unfolded, I realized to my horror that there were no women in the play. That meant that when the nude scene in question was enacted, it would be performed by a dude. I call this the Starting Out in the Evening Syndrome; a little-seen independent film starring Frank Langella and Lauren Ambrose that I went to see because it had an R rating for nudity. I expected to see the hot-blooded Ms. Ambrose making her nudie debut in a clip destined for MrSkin.com, and was horrified to instead discover that the rating was actually for a scene in which the elderly Mr. Langella was helped out of a bathtub. I tried to express my distaste for the bait-and-switch of A Prayer for My Daughter by booing at the curtain call, but I was drowned out by the cheers of the audience who were too distracted by the compelling drama of the play to notice that there were no naked chicks. Some people really need to get their priorities straight.

Matt Williamson in
“A Prayer for My Daughter”

2. Matt Williamson, an actor in A Prayer for My Daughter who also serves as one of Lamb’s producing partners. I grew fond of Matt when he supported me in a cameo role when I starred in The Apple Tree at the theatre, so I stuck around afterwards to lie that I liked his performance (my real impression – like any other actor’s – was to sit defiantly cross-armed in my seat while he was onstage and reassure myself that I could have played it better). At one point, Matt mentioned that they were looking for an understudy for one of the roles and inquired if I would be interested. I would normally be insulted at being offered a mere understudy position, but was so impressed by the power of the piece (after I got over the disappointment of the lack of female nudity) that I actually considered it, until Matt insulted me by adding that the part I would play was not the one that got naked. Listen up, Williamson: my fans do not come to a Jon Mullich performance to see me with my clothes on. I always insist that I perform a nude scene in any role I perform, regardless of the material. Remember my nude interpretive dance in The Apple Tree? Do you think that was an accident? I added that to the show because if an audience came to see me in a play and then found that I wasn’t showing any skin, there would be rioting. So think more carefully the next time you offer me a role. I won’t be held responsible for the carnage that will result in denying the people what they want.

This is not a photograph of Kim Bullock, William Jennings Bryan or anyone else. It is just an offenseless cartoon.

3. Kim Bullock, the stage manager for A Prayer for My Daughter who I have written about before on these pages as threatening me with physical violence if I posted a photograph of her on the Internet. I got around that last time by posting a portrait of perennial presidential hopeful William Jennings Bryan in a listing about Kim, but even that workaround was too much for her. As soon as I saw her at the theatre last night, she smashed a bottle of white wine over my head (she told me that if anyone asked, I should say it fell out of the refrigerator when I was getting sodas for intermission) and informed me that I could expect more of the same if I used another photo – any photo – in connection with a listing about her. Kim is an uncommonly attractive young lady and I think a photo of her would class up any web page, but I’m far too afraid of her to argue so here is a cartoon the of the aforementioned William Jennings Bryan after he delivered his career-making “Cross of Gold” speech. Enjoy.

Damn E. Campbell

4. Dan E. Campbell who I accidentally referred to in a Facebook posting as Damn E. Campbell. At first, I was going to go back and fix the typo, until I thought about it and realized that what I had typed was a far better name for the hellbound Campbell than the handle that his uninspired parents had hanged on him (certain, no doubt, that he would suffer crib death after just a few weeks with them anyway). I will therefore be referring to Campbell by this new name forevermore, or at least until I forget about it or get bored.

5. Heather McPhee, who was my Facebook-assigned Best Friend of the Day yesterday but who I can’t post a picture of because the image of Damn E. Campbell is hogging up too much space. Now you know the challenges that people close to Damn face on a daily basis, Heather. Be thankful that you don’t know him.